Some Explainations....

I have been planning to write something for a long while but I am impertinently lost. I just can't seem to bring myself to write anything which would actually be worth reading or even writing. Several times, these last few months, I have signed into my blog and started writing a post but somehow could never bring myself to finish it or publish it. I really am lost. Politics doesn't interest me anymore. I admit it never has much but nowadays my interest in it has completely waned. Somewhere I did have a good laugh when I read that Barrack Obama was being awarded the nobel peace prize(I mean come on seriously-what has he actually done?) but that is as far an interest I have taken in politics this year.

Movies are always there...my first love and will remain so and more often that not my thoughts often venture into writing another movie review or a general article on the Bollywood Dream industry but I really don't fill my blog up with just movie reviews. I accept I was pretty interested in writing a review on Kaminey(movie of the year as far as I am concerned) and Blue(what a wastage of 100 crores) but then stopped for the aforementioned reasons.

So what do I really write on? See-I have no idea if I am even going to post this on my blog-but just in case I do...please forgive my venting out my frustrations on the proverbial writers block(and to think that I am not even a writer per se).

Most people who read this blog are my orkut friends and so I presume most of them have also been following my story 'That Thing Called Love' on an orkut community. They are obviously aware and probabaly pretty upset that I recently deleted that Orkut account and with it the story too got deleted. I know it's harsh and those people who have been reading my story deserve way better treatment that I have meted out to them so first of all I want to apologise. Leaving my readers in the lurch mid-way through the story was never my intention and I seriously wish I hadn't done that. You have been following that story for almost 2 years now and to devoid you from knowing what happens to Rahul and Anjali is nothing less than a crime. I seriously wish I hadn't done that.

But at the same time-it also set me thinking. For a while now I have really lost the point of the story. To be honest I haven't really known what to do with it for a long time. When I had started writing that 'That Thing Called Love' it was supposed to be an entirely different story than it turned out to be. It was supposed to be a 6 year journey of two people who really love each other but somehow can't seem to make their relationship work. So what route do they take? Do they realize that despite their love they aren't compatible enough-that they are way too different to be be happy with each other and hence part ways or do they try and find a way to make it work? It was supposed to be about self-discovery, about how much love can change you and to an extent how much should you let it change you. The story did follow the path I had laid down for it to an extent-but never to the graph that I wanted it to. For one-I never managed to stretch it to the 6 year period. It remained in that one semester for 400 odd pages and I realized for me to actually execute the real story-it could take me well over a 1000 pages. As much as I love the idea of being the next J R R Tolkien-I ain't. So I went for the easy way out-try and wrap up the story within the one year period without actually getting my point across. As an author-that just seemed to be cheating myself.

Yes-I do look fondly upon many parts of the book. And there are parts I am genuinely proud about. Maybe not as a writer per se but at least the ideas that I had conceived. I am still in love with that introduction scene. The thought of starting a story with a kiss-not many Bollywood directors(even those who cast Emraan Hashmi) wouldn't be able to think of. I loved the idea of the voice which keeps rumbling in Rahul's stomach as he has his first proper conversation with Anjali when he walks her back from frustration point to her hostel. I love Rahul's reaction and his interaction with Virat when he calls Anjali the first time. Imagining it on screen-it's something that I believe would have genuinely made people laugh. One of my really favorite bits though is the dream that Rahul has when he is about to climb the girls hostel for Anjali's birthday. The whole bit came to me almost as an inspiration and it was one of the parts I really enjoyed writing.

Then there were the emotional bits. The fight at Dee Tee when those goons hit Rahul on the head and he lands up at the hospital. When I was writing about Rahul breaking their arms, I thought it was getting a bit filmy but I just remembered that this filmy scene had a greater purpose. Just when Anjali is about to walk out on him , came the twist in the tale. Rahul is hit on the head and Anjali can't walk out anymore. I loved writing the hospital bit too. Another huge favorite is the scene at Malpe beach when they 'unofficially' break up. It just seemed right. And so did the scene after Rahul and Mohit Bansal had a fight at Dee Tee. As Anjali is about to leave-Rahul grabs her and then it was just the emotions carrying them to that second unplanned kiss. For me-it was better than the first. And I actually wished I could see that scene in a movie.

The truth though remains that I had lost track of what I was writing. And that can never be good for a writer. So even though the deleting of my story from orkut wasn't intentional I somewhere do feel that maybe the right thing did happen. I really didn't know if I wanted to continue that story anymore. And not just because it wasn't going where I had intended it to.

'THAT THING CALLED LOVE' was also supposed to be my ode to Manipal. I have spend the most beautiful four years of my life here and when I had started writing that story, it was supposed to my tribute to my life here. And perhaps thats really why I can't seem to bring myself to finish this story. Because as much as I want my readers to see a proper end to this story-I also want to give a real tribute to Manipal where I include all of its life and not just a story revolving around four characters. None of these characters though exist in Manipal. They are all made up and fictional. The only one who isn't is Virat-but even he isn't from Manipal. Virat was one of my best friends in School-and I had done schooling from Bahrain. And now that my life in Manipal is coming to an end-I can't help but think that if I am indeed writing a story based in Manipal, it shouldn't just have the lush KMC Greens or the sunset at Malpe Beach or the bike ride from End point to the Hostel, but it should also be about the characters, about the people that live in Manipal. I know-that sounds like writing a 5 point someone but if it does-then so be it. My tribute to Manipal shouldn't just be about the place itself-but also about the friends I made and the people I have had to interact with. It may not necessarily be about how screwed up engineering really is(in fact, it won't be) but it has to contain people who have inhabited this town like I have for the last four years and truly learned to love it rather than people I just made up.

I don't know if I will ever find a story to write that will be based in Manipal and manage to have the people in it as well. But I know I do want to. And for that reason only I might never finish 'that thing called love.' I would also that add that never say never because one fine day I just might but as of now its on a long standby. And I can't say sorry enough for that to all my wonderful readers. You have encouraged me and loved my story and you do deserve me better. And trust me-I'll try and make up for it.

As of right now, I do have a few story ideas in my head. But am not sure if I'll execute them. Next time I write a story-I am actually going to plan it out instead of just writing randomly whatever comes to my mind. That was the basic mistake I did with 'that thing called love.' I will ensure that I do not repeat this mistake. One day thought-I will return with a story based in Manipal. And not just based in Manipal but about Manipal. And it'll be a lot more truer than the world I showed in that thing called love, which I am sorry to say had been glossed over to a huge extent. I want to show Manipal as it is and not the town about pretty people where everything is rosy. I'll come back with the real Manipal. I don't know when but I will.

Till then, I will try and find something else to write. No idea what I will write next. I have started writing a short story so hopefully I'll post it soon. Maybe not on Orkut but on the blog itself. After November I won't have anything to do for nearly 6 months so am really hoping I can start writing something by then. I just need a very concrete idea. That's all.

Till then-I hope I can continue to blog and indulge myself in little short stories. And pray that my readers ain't too upset with me. It was the mistake of a rookier writer and nothing else. Hope that sets the record straight. Cheers! :)

PS: Read the new Chetan Bhagat book '2 states.' I am thinking of writing an article on it. Not sure though. As for my opinion on the book-lets just say it didn't work with me ;)

The Silence...

"Imran...tu aaj kal thoda chup chup sa rehta hai!" Kunal told me today while we were making the walk to uth corner for a cup of coffee well past midnight. It's not the first time in the last few months or so that someone has pointed out my silence to me and its not something I have actually tried to deny either. The brash, talkative, often hyper active Imran has become a little bit infrequent nowadadyas taken over more by the quiet, thinking and minding his own business Imran. Yes-the brash and hyper active version does surface now and then but more often that not, I find a way to remain silent or not get too involved. The reasons are just as unclear to me as it is to everybody else but mostly it is due to the fact that I find a lot less to be happy about nowadays.

It's just not to do with happiness of corse. I didn't scream before just because I was happy, I did because I wanted to-because I was and still am in general a very hyper active person. The changes don't necessarily end with the screaming either. During dinners I continue to maintain my silence, concentrating on the food than the conversation that dominates the dinner table. Is it because I am unhappy? Partly yes. Partly also because I feel detached to my surrounding nowadays. I don't feel like taking part in dinner table conversations anymore. I don't feel like going wild at parties anymore. I feel alone...lonely. Feel as if the people in my life, the people I call my friends-I just can't relate to them anymore. They are happy in their own world, in their own little happy space-and I feel as if I don't belong in that happy space anymore. It's a feeling of detatchment that I cannot describe but just seeing people celebrating, laughing, being happy-it just reminds me how lonely I am. How I don't really have anything really worth being happy about. And no-I am not talking about the materialistic things. Not jobs or a bike or the latest ipod. I am happy about all that. But unless you have people who can relate to you, who can read your mind, your expressions and notice that something is wrong by just seeing your body language-you can't really be happy. There is only so much happiness materialistic things can give you unless you have people whom you can share it with. And that's the kind of happiness that is lacking in my life.

And maybe that's why the silence has taken over the hyperactivity. Maybe that's why we all screamed and shouted at our photoshoot, then I screamed, shouted and danced again when we went for the after party to Dee Tee but half an hour into the party, my loneliness took hold of me again. I walked out of Dee Tee not feeling like being a member of the party anymore. I don't know why it really happens. I don't know why half an hour into the party I suddenly start feeling lonely. But it does-and it happens everywhere. In the past few months, I have gone to every party as excited as a bumble bee, danced wildly and screamed hoarsely for 30 mins but then I notice all the happy people, all the people who are actually truly happy and I notice again just how lonely I am. And then I just sit in a corner and watch all the happy people jump and scream and dance with anyone they can find.

I have wondered if drinking would help. Yet somehow I cannot make myself touch alcohol. Trust me-I have been tempted a good number of times to finally give into the attraction of a Red label or even an Old Monk and see what it really feels to be drunk, how good does it actually feel to be high and speak out all your frustrations without having to worry about remembering it the next day but I can't. Because God is watching. And I do truly and completely believe in the existence of God. I may not be the staunchiest of Muslims but I am a believer and I believe we will all get our just rewards form him on Judgement day. There is an after life. There is an eternity. And there is a Hell and a Heaven. Trust me on that.

I don't really like the silent me. I hate pitying myself. My life is just fine. I do have friends and lots of them, friends who really care about me. Yet somehow-I can't get over that feeling of loneliness. I am surrounded by people, people who actually are my friends, people who really do care about me, people who have helped through my troubled times yet, even in that sea of friends, I feel alone. I feel like the stranger at a party no one cares about. Somewhere-unless I find someone who can actually get rid of this loneliness for me, I feel I will become more and more silent. Day by day. Till the silence takes over completely. And that's the day I fear.