AN EXERCISE IN VELLAPANTI!!

Ah~vellapanti!! The term used most often in our dear old MIT!! It practically describes every student in this college. Everyone is usually 'Vella' in this place!! MITians reading this know exactly what this word mean~obviously as we are all vella and when often asked by someone else "so what are you doing nowadays?", our standard reply is "kuch nahi yaar, vella baitha hu" or "bas...vellapanti chal rahi hai!" For those of you who don't study in our Mighty Mighty MIT, let me give you a ver simple explaination for this most amazing of terms!! Vellapanti simply means joblessness!! An attempt at doing nothing, something which we all MITian are pretty good at!! To be vella is to be jobless or to have nothing to do. To do vellapanti is to be doing absolutely nothing!!

And so on to the main content of this post. Today morning we had a maths class from 11:30 to 12:30. And we absolutely hate attending classes. That is the single most torturous thing that we students have ever had to do! We believe that if there were no classes, then college life would be perfect!! Yet-as we know, no one and nothing is perfect. And though I will tell you that my college days have so far been the best days of my life and will probably remain so, it's not perfect due to these classes!!

This particular maths class was pure torture!! We had just returned from a hard working Lab session so I sure as hell wasn't in the mood to solve Probablity questions using Calculus. None of us were. Sitting next to me in the class was one of my best friends, Anuj Mahajan. And as we discussed that age old question-why on earth does time move slow just when we want it to move fast, he came up with the obscure suggestion that 'let's make our own movie!'. Ah, I loved the suggestion!! I always love taking a stab at creativity as most of you know by now!! I find nothing better than to spend time creating stories and letting my imagination run wild. So with a gleelful smile, I accpeted the offer and we were on!!

So our first job was to pick a hero. Ronnie Banjerjee happened to be sitting right in front of us. So just like that we decided that Ronnie will be our hero. Now Ronnie wanted a hot looking actress paired with him. So we suggested a name yet he demanded that he needed someone hotter. We explained to him that the cast has to be comprised of our classmates and so we couldn't cast the girl he wanted as she was not in our class(she's pretty hot though :D). He straight away refused to sign for the movie. We somehow managed to convince him that after this big debut of his, we will cast her in our next movie together when we will have a wider cast. Ronnie finally gave in and so the actress we had picked initially was cast. I unfortunately donot have the rights to mention her name here so we shall name her Anjali. And now...for the story!!

WARNING: Viewer Discretion is advised. This move has been given an A certificate by the censor board for Descriptive violence, strong sexual content and language(:P). So viewers below 18 are not allowed(:D).

Ronnie is our hero. He's young, he's smart, he's intelligent but he ain't good looking. He has a good heart though. He's a typical loser in a college. A geek as most of us would call him. Ignored, few friends and well-definitely no girlfriend. Anjali, our heroine, is everything that Ronnie has ever wanted to be(with well-modiefied body parts :P). Beautiful, hot, smart, popular. She's the queen bee-every guy has wants her to be his girlfriend and every girl wants to be her. She's the epitome of popularity. Yet, she too is a girl good at heart. She's not a typical popular slut that you find in colleges, but a very sweet natured girl. She's everything that a guy ever wants in a girlfriend.

It's love at first sight for Ronnie. Yet-love stories are never meant to be that simple(especially not in Bollywood). So this time the road block comes in the shape of Anjali's boyfriend Anuj Mahajan(yes, the very same guy sitting next to me and with whom I was plotting this story) . He's the stud of the college. 6 foot tall with 6 pack abs, a face to die for, all the girls drooling over him and with a fancy Avenger bike to boot. Every girl wants him and every boy wants to be him. Yet-he too is good at heart. And he's very deeply committed to our Anjali. They are very happy together. Yet, Bollywood would just not let lovers be in peace. So a twist comes in the form of cancer. Yes-our dear Anuj is a cancer patient(now don't ask how, if you are looking for logic, you are at the wrong place my friend). Anuj is hiding this secret from Anjali, afraid that this news will break her forever.

Lekin honi ko kaun taal sakta hai. Anjali finds out. And she's a broken woman. She feels betrayed that the love of her life kept this secret hidden from her. That he didn't trust her enough to tell her that he was dying. She weeps and weeps and weeps. And it is while she's weeping that our hero Ronnie makes his move(that suave bastard) . He offers her a shoulder to cry on. He comforts her, puts his arm around her shoulders and one things lead to another and then-ummm...they do it. Yeah-they have sex. Disgusted?? I told you this movie was rated 'A' for strong sexual content-so dont't blame that I didn't warn you.

Moving on, our Anjali-being the good girl she is, feels guilty. She knows she has betrayed Anuj's trust in her(even though Ronnie was surprsingly, really good in bed :P). She though decides that she must be honest with Anuj. Besides-he's a dying man. He couldn't really have expected her to be with a dying man-could he? Even if he was, screw him!! Oh sorry-she just screwed Ronnie right now(:D)!!

Yet, twists galore. When Anjali goes to tell Anuj about her one night stand, she finds Anuj dead!
(Background music-tadang tadang tadang!!) Anuj already knew about Anjali, Ronnie and their one night at the call centre(no, they didn't do it in the call centre~its a dig guys!) And when Anuj came to know, he couldn't take it and committed suicide(yet to decide on how he commits suicide. Suggestions open-the more gruesome, the better!) Anjali is shocked and broken. She blames Ronnie for Anuj's death(and herself ofcorse, being the good girl she is~but she can't take out her frustration on herself, so Ronnie bears the brunt of it). Poor Ronnie!! His love story was nipped in the bud even before it began. I doubt he feels sorry though. A sexual encounter with the hottest girl in college-honestly, you really think he gives two hoots about Anuj's death? All he's thinking about is Anjali and how he got to do her!!Ewww-disgusting??Ah-whatever. This is an above 18 post, if you haven't understood that by now!!

Anyways, so we have a cancer patient committing suicide(me and Anuj were in splits by now). And we have a love story which started with sex but never really took off!! We will put in a very sad emotional song here composed by Pritam and sung by Atif!! But like good old Bollywood movies, we decided to change genres!! From an emotional Karan Johar love story, we decided to change it into a Ramsay production B-grade horror show!! And we had our suicidal cancer patient come back thirsting for revenge. Ah~how I love Bollywood!!

So Anuj is back. But he ain't so nice anymore. He's a ghost waiting to exact revenge on his ex-love and the man who slept with her. He will snigger, mouth cheesy villainous dialogues, laugh like a maniac and burst up in rage when something doesn't go to plan. He's everything that a cliched Bollywood villain is~and over that he's a ghost.(Anuj was pretty disappointed when we killed his character so when I suggested we bring him back in a negative role ala ekta kapoor serials he was all smiles).

And so the blood flows. In the most gruesome of ways possible. First up on Anuj's list is Anjali's best friend~Sneha. Why?? Who cares. We can't kill the heroine immediately so we had to pick someone else. So Sneha is bumped off like a potato sack without any reason for we simple need blood on the screen. And Anuj laughs madly after killing her. Muhahahahaha! And then he points evidence towars our disappointed in love hero-Ronnie. But Ronnie manages to walk away this time. Not enough evidence, the police says. Which enrages Anuj ofcorse. Our villain is mad!! His plan didn't work and he is not going to accept failure a seond time. So he hatches an even more evil plan. That means another body lying somewhere in a pool of blood.



What's Anuj's plan? There was this geeky girl who was in love with Ronnie for a long time. Anuj poses as Ronnie(he's a ghost remember??) and asks her to meet in some lonely spot in the night. Then he asks Anjali to do the same and then poses as Anjali with Ronnie and asks him to come to the same spot. And the plan is in progress. When Ronnie comes thereall eager to clear his misunderstandings with Anjali, he finds the geeky girl. She goes all excited and hugs him but he tries to get rid of her and just when he's trying to push her away, Anjali enters and Anuj acts. He bumps off the geeky girl. And Anjali thinks its Ronnie(some timing huh? I told you I love Bollywood). Ronnie's pleas fall on deaf ears and our hero is hauled off to jail.



Life couldn't be worse for our two protagonists. Ronnie lies in jail for a murder he didn't commit and Anjali is shocked and shattered at how her life has changed in a matter of few days. And aur villain Anuj is laughing that maniacal laugh of his.Muhahahahahaha!!! But wait wait. The movie ain't over yet for how can a movie end without its Happys Endings. Picture abhi khatam nahi hui baabu!!

You know how every movie needs a character which will play second fiddle to the hero yet get the best lines and walk away with all the applause and awards?? Well, how could our movie do without one! So as Ronnie awaits trial and poor Anjali sheds tears we introduce a new character. He is FARID THE LAWYER. Yeah-it's moi. It's only right that since I am the script writer, I also get to play the scene stealing character[:P]. So Farid the lawyer will wear the most stylish of clothes, carry an attitude which shows him to be an uber cool dude, will be super-smart and have amazing analytic powers(ala hercule poirot) and mouth dialogues to which there will be loud applause and whistles in the theatres. In an ideal world he would be played by Anil Kapoor.

Farid takes up Ronnie's intriguing case and even though he's flummoxed initially, being the smart guy that he is, he immediately realises that there's more to this story than meets the eye. He begins to dig deep and soon discovers the super natural angle. So he decides to have a talk with our residential ghost via means of a communication channel which you can find in any good old hindi movie(we'll select the best and most cheesy one obviously). An enraged Anuj will not listen to Farid's sound reasoning and also go onto kill everyone else in the room(we'll find some extras for this) but somehow Farid will manage to escape. And so a bewildered Farid will tell Ronnie that he's innocent and his love's ex-boyfriend is behind all this! As result Ronnie is out on bail. Ronnie would immediately go to Anjali and tell her everything but as expetced Anjali would refuse to listen. Instead she would hate Ronnie even more for thinking that Anuj could do something like this. 'Wo mar chuka hai Ronnie. Kam se kam maut mein to use chain se rehne do.'

But Farid, the smart man that he is, would tell Anjali that he can prove that Anuj is behind all this. He would take her to a desolate place, use that same mean of communicating with the spirits again and call Anuj. And so Anjali will discover the truth. She will weep for hours for thinking that Ronnie could possible be behind the murders and then finally go and tell him that she loves him too. Here we would have a song picturised in switzerland with music given by Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy and sung by Sonu Nigam. When they finally return from Switzerland, they'll find more dead bodies of their friends. Slashed throats, electrocution, strangling~all the gruesome means possible to kill a person, we would use them all with Anuj enraged and seething in anger. He promises to kill Ronnie and Anjali and destroy the entire town on Amavaas ki Raat.

Farid, Ronnie, Anjali and Farid's hot secretary think of ways to stop Anuj but oviously they can't think of one. And so our cancer patient turned suicidal boy turned revenge seeking ghost returns on Amavaas ki Raat and burns down the entire town. Ronnie and Anjali are alos trapped in that fire and can't find an escape route with Ronnie shielding Anjali as much as poissbile. Farid somehow doesn't get caught up in the fire and instead goes on a one-on-one with Anuj. He's finally had a brain wave and he's about to stop Anuj once and for all. Meanwhile Ronnie and Anjali are still trying to escape from the fire.

The confrontation between Farid and Anuj finally happens. Farid appeals to Anuj once again but Anuj refuses to listen. Farid tells him that being in love is not about destroying your love but to make 'amar' and blah blah blah. Anuj sees that Anjali has indeed moved past him and really is in love with Ronnie(yeah~we are back to Karan Johar's brand of cinema). He sees that she's happy with Ronnie and somehow begins to think that if he lets them be together, then his own love will also become immortal( how he didn't realise this before is beyond me but then it's all Karan Johar's fault). So he would stop the fire and save Ronnie and Anjali as well. Then he would finally bid his last emotional goodbyt to Anjali and tell her hoe he will love her for ever and is sorry for causing all the pain in her life and some more blah blah blah. And his spirit would soar up in the sky with a colgate smile on his face and his 'aatma' will supposedly finally get 'Shanti.' Ronnie and Anjali will get married with Farid as the best man and would name their first son Anuj. While FARID THE LAWYER will move onto another case and another woman.

THE END

PS: Ronnie was very pleased that he gets to do a hot scene with the heroine. He practically didn't care about anything else. This film would go onti win several awards at the filmfare awards including Best Film, Best Director, Best Actress, Best Supporting actor(FARID THE LAWYER), Best Actor in a negative role(Anuj), Best screenplay, Best Music and many many more!!