Confession of a Rapist

I sit here, in the shadows, in this pitch black darkness for the fear that if I come out, if I let even a ray of light fall on me, then my crime will be exposed to the world. The world will come to know about my sin and will finally see me for what I am and perhaps what I always was-a rapist.



I raped a girl today. The girl I loved. I raped her like an animal-tarnishing her body, her self-respect, her independence, her integirty...her life-for my satisfaction. And as I remember those moments, the memory continues to haunt me. I relished it. I enjoyed it. Losing myself in that moment of madness, I enjoyed taking away every bit of integrity that a girl could possible possess. I enjoyed raping a girl. A girl I claimed to love. And I didn't even think twice before committing this sin. I acted like an animal, an animal that had ben released from a cage without any bounds and much more importantly, without any conscience. And I claimed to have loved her.



But I did love her. Her beautiful face shining like an angel, her eyes a mark of eternal beauty in which I could lose myself forever, her glowing skin which could never age. I really did love her. And I told her so. I told her that I loved her and that I would love her forever. But she wouldn't respond. I tried to convince her of my love for her in every way possible but she wouldn't listen. She wouldn't understand. And then that moment of madness happened. I grabbed her, asking her why she wouldn't realise how much I loved her but she still wouldn't answer. All she would say is that I was hurting her. But didn't she realise how much she was hurting me? Was physical pain all that mattered? Didn't she know that I was hurting, that I was bleeding from the inside because of her? Because of my love for her?



And then darkness engulfed me. I was in rage, a madness taking over me as I lost count of everything-I forgot what was right and wrong, what was love and lust and my consicence died. All I saw was this girl, this brat who wouldn't understand my feelings, this arrogant female who wouldn't realise my love for her and if she didn't, then she needed to be taught a lesson. And then all I remember is pitch black darkness. A darkness from which I could never return.



I runied her life. Forever. In one moment of insanity I changed her forever. Her life, her dreams, her hopes. She will always be afraid of the dark now. Everytime a shadow creeps near her, she will remember that ghastly moment and the pain that it brought her. She will remember me as the face of true and pure evil. For that was what I was. In that moment I was the Devil himself. And all I wanted to do was to show her how much I loved her.

I don't know what action she will take now. But one way or another, I have done something the trauma of which will haunt her for the rest of her life. I don't know if she will go to the police. I hope she doesn't. Not for my sake, but for hers. Because this world will never let her live in peace. To them she will always be a victim of rape. Someone whose purtity had been tarnished. They wouldn't see that it wasn't her fault. All they would see is that she wasn't pure anymore, that her integrity had been touched by another man. And no one would ever want to be with her again. They will treat her like an outcast. Like a parasite in the society when the truth is people like me are the parasites. But our society doesn't understand that. They would forgive rapists if they showed enough remorse but a rape victim would never be considered like a human again. To them she will always be just that- a rape victim.

I wish there was a way I could change all this. I wish I could explain to her how sorry I was. But I can't. For howmuch ever remorse I show, my sin is too big to seek forgiveness. Or to be forgiven. Whatever I do from hereon the truth is that I know what I am from inside. A beast. An Animal. A Devil.
I really wish someone would rid me of this agony, of this pain inside me that is blinding me. Anyhow. Somehow. Just get rid of this pain. Kill me if you have to. Oh God! Someone please kill me and stop this pain. Kill me, please. Kill me for my sins. Kill me for I don't deserve to live. Kill me but just somehow stop this pain.

Or maybe I am dying. Maybe the poison that I had taken is finally running through the veins of my blood and killing me. It will soon be over then. This pain, this agony-it will all soon be over. I will be able to close my eyes and hide from this world forever. I don't know if they will ever come to know about the crime I had committed. But I won't be here to face them if and when they do find out. I am just worried about that beauiful girl. The girl I claimed to have loved. The girl I raped.

**********THE END *************

P.S.-I wrote this article in first person hoping for a better impact. So please don't think I am the rapist here.LOL. I have always considered rape to the biggest crime that a man can ever commit. And through this little piece I wanted to convey the idea that a rapist, how much ever remorse he may seem to show, deserves nothing but death. Or a punishment worse than death.A man who physically exploits a woman is the biggest coward walking this earth. Also I have tried to show how despite all the trauma that the rape victim actually goes through this incident-its somehow she who's often treated as the culpirt in our society. Its a social stigma that till this day remains attached to our society. Any one of us who treats a rape victim n this manner is committing no lesser a crime than the rapist himself. I hope that someday this crime will be wiped off the planet. But it is much more important that we open our minds and realise that a rape victim is no different from the rest of us. She is not a disease that will engulf us. She's a human who has gone through the most traumatic moment that any woman could ever face. And if we shun her away, then we are no different from that rapist. May we see the error of our ways.